"Voices of Hope"

"No one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives, and no one should."

So, I recently had a friend come out on Facebook, and I think that is very brave. I completely support that. What I find disturbing is that he has decided that he has two options. To either stay LDS or to act on his "same-sex attraction". He has chosen the former. Therefore, he is openly gay, but will never act on it. He posted this video:



I found this disturbing, heart breaking and angering.

On one hand, I suppose it is a choice. And if people think choosing their religion over love will make them happier, then whatever. Do what you want. Do what makes you happiest, I suppose.

On the other hand, I can't help but question why. Does anyone actually really want to be celibate and alone for the rest of their lives? This isn't about sex. This is about feeling loved for who you are and finding within yourself love for someone else. And, miraculously, having that love returned. Ultimately, isn't that what we all want?

My anger comes from the fact that the LDS church, in it's twisted sense of progress, (which in some ways, IS progress...I guess...) is basically moving from active discrimination to passive (but still quite active) discrimination. The church is kind of an expert at passive aggressive bullshit, so this isn't new.

Ugh. It makes me really angry and sad and sick. If I believed in a God, (SHE!) wouldn't give a shit who I loved, but would just be happy that through love I found true happiness. I wish that people didn't try to force love into a convenient neat little box with parameters that defined what is true love.

I hope in 20, 15, 10 or maybe even 5 (as if) years, the church will open it's eyes and realize that they are behind the times. They are wrong and embarrassingly so. Although I don't think the LDS church has even a fraction of an ounce of humility to ever admit that they were wrong or have ever been wrong. In addition to being passive aggressive experts they happen to also be historical revisionists extraordinaire.

Blah. I guess in the end it isn't that bad. It isn't like it is forcing anyone to do anything. It is more tolerant than previous stances. And if it is genuinely making people happy, then okay, go for it. But I wish that it was 100% tolerance. Not conditional tolerance. It isn't acceptance, it is a bargain. If you don't act on it, we'll accept you. Otherwise, you are not welcome.

It just feels like the church was told "Be progressive" and because it is so twisted and crippled with guilt issues and old farts, it came up with this cruel definition of progress.

BBC Merlin!

In a land of myth and a time of magic, the fate of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name? Merlin.

Body Image

There used to just be days. Certain bad days that I felt fat, insecure, and uncomfortable. But these would happen usually when I was stressed or hormonal, around my period. These days would stand out to me.

But over time those "fat days" became more and more frequent. And today I had the realization that every single day I feel that way. Now the days that stand out are the days that I don't feel fat. Basically never.

Christmas Anticipation!

Yay! We are coming home for Christmas! I can't wait!!!

Birthday

Justin's birthday happens to be on Friday this year. And he just so happens to not have any classes on Fridays. Until recently, I didn't have a job, and so was looking forward to spending the whole day with him.

I just recently got a job and my work schedule is MWF. I will work Friday from 7am to 3:30pm. =(

It could be worse, but it still bums me out.

More birds!

Blue Jay

Cardinal

The importance of felines.

A Mimi without a kitty is no Mimi at all.

It sounds cheesy, but I feel more like myself when there are cats around. Maybe it is because I have never known life without them.

I feel like when Kitty died things changed.
And then when Mooch died things changed more.

 Something shifted and cats weren't this...spiritual or supernatural  type of presence in my life.

But nevertheless, I still feel "off" without one.

Sigh. There is your Mimi-fueled melodrama for the day.

Periods...

Before & After

BEFORE

AFTER

New Obsession

Lately I have spent a lot of hours looking at how to care for Guinea Pigs! We recently found out that although the pet rent ($25 per month, per pet)/pet deposit ($125)/pet fee ($100) applies to cats and dogs, there is no rent/deposit/or fee for guinea pigs!

I have looked up proper care for guinea pigs and am excited because apparently wood shavings aren't the best option for guinea pigs. I am glad because that is one of the things we were thinking was a downside. For one, I think I am allergic. For two, it makes a mess. And for three, it is sort of a waste. Whereas the new way is to have a "C&C" cage. "Cube & Coroplast" cage. Cube, meaning just the wire sides, and coroplast, which is plastic cardboard, essentially. It is was small campaign signs are made out of.

Anyway, then instead of shavings, people put down just a fleece blanket. That way you just take out the blanket and wash it with the rest of your laundry. Apparently guinea pigs have respiratory problems with shavings, also.

I've also been looking at diets, and what foods you should give them daily and what foods you should give them sparingly. It's been a lot of fun, actually. My favorite kind of guinea pigs are the ones with smooth coats. I think this is because my guinea pig Gus was a smooth coat. Also, I loved my grandma's guinea pig, Brownie (smooth coat). I've also found helpful hints on how to help tame your guinea pig.

I actually miss this...

Birds of Indiana

One of the things I have liked here is seeing birds that I don't see at home. Recently we saw some new birds and I wanted to post pictures so you can enjoy them too. (Although, sadly, I didn't take any of these pictures, haha)

Northern Cardinal

We for certain saw the cardinal. What we aren't certain of is what little yellow bird we saw on campus. We bought a Birds of Indiana book at the Barnes and Noble and these are the ones we have narrowed it down to:

The Common Yellowthroat

American Goldfinch

Yellow Warbler

Prairie Warbler

Part of the difficulty of identifying it was that it was chasing another bird and was darting in and out of foliage. But hopefully we'll see it again and be able to identify it!

We also found a nature preserve where we sat on a bench and looked out into a marshy lake bed. We hadn't planned on going to the nature preserve, it was just on the GPS and we decided to be impulsive, so we weren't equipped to go on a hike. Instead we decided to sit and look around. We didn't really recognize any of the trees or plants, so we also bought a Trees of Indiana book. This is a plant that I thought was very distinctive and so when we got the book I was able to find it quickly:

Sassafras! Such a fun name to say.

Napoleon!

Our apartment has a floor to ceiling shelf and I have dedicated a corner of one of the shelves to Napoleon! (I had to put that union jack behind there. I couldn't help it. I am much more of an anglophile than a francophile, but I have a certain weakness for Napoleon Bonaparte, as you may have guessed by now...)

Bar Harbor & Boston

Bloomington

Feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.

Mawage!

I'm married! I'm a wife! I have a husband!

Chester (aka Chachi aka Cheddar Cheese aka Pumpkin Spice)

Countdown

9 days until I get married. Feels surreal.

Priorities...

I keep getting really excited to move and begin a new chapter of life. To have this new life in a new place with a new husband and explore and grow...But then I have this devastating thought of "....but...but...what about the CATS?!?" I'm going to miss my kitties.

Joss Whedon Commencement Speech

Oklahoma & Middle East

Let me start with this: The tornado in Oklahoma was absolutely devastating. I am not downplaying the absolute tragedy of people who have lost their loved ones due to the tornado. But another thought I had was this; 95 people were killed today in Iraq. It is somewhat comforting to know that the tornado was caused by nature, and not by hate.

Sister (aka Hissy Sissy Fit)

Happy Birthday

To my Papa!

Checkers (aka: Chex Mix)

Mother's Day

I'm very lucky to have the mom that I do!

Opinion

I'm not a mother. So maybe that means I can't really talk here, but since this is my blog, I'm a-gonna.

I think it is annoying when I am going through my facebook feed and I see moms complaining about how tired they are and how they can't ever get a moment to themselves and how they have been running around all day and wouldn't it be nice if they could just take a nap without a baby waking them up or go a day without having to clean marker off the walls/get crammed cheerios out from the couch/any other thing that comes with the territory of having a tiny human in your house?

Let me be clear, I am NOT saying that it is annoying because I think that being a mother isn't a "real" job. I don't think that. But I DO think "you know...you CHOSE to have those kids. It was a CHOICE. And if you weren't aware of the responsibilities and inconveniences that comes with parenthood, then maybe you should have thought things through a little longer before fulfilling what seemed to be your life dream in the first place." And if anything, arrange it with your husband so child-rearing isn't a solo-career!

Okay. Rant over.

Lawn Mower

The sound of a lawn mower and the smell of fresh cut grass is my favorite. Especially after this long winter! Spring is my favorite season!

Difference

There is a difference between seeing a number on a scale and seeing pictures of myself that really throws my weight gain in my face.

Feeling very negative feelings. Anger, disappointment, insecurity, discouraged, stupid.

But in other news...

This is post number 250!

AGH

EVERYONE HAS A DAMN OPINION! And I'm sick of hearing it!

Yard Sale

Went pretty well. Got sunburned. Made 160 bucks. Feeling good!

Boston

What happened today has been a reminder to me for how precious life is. And how precious those I love are to me.

Life is scary. I really believe that there is a lot more good in the world than bad. But sometimes it is hard to see that when the bad can be so senseless.

Alternative Banners cont.

Alternative Banners

New Design (Again)

Thoughts?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This movie was much better than that trailer. I mean, the trailer was fine, but you really need to just watch the movie. Thanks for sharing, kiki!

Nosey

Wow. There is sneaky/curious nosey and there is down right tactless/socially oblivious/rude nosey. There are details of my life that are personal not just because of the subject matter, but because it isn't anyone else's damn business.

 p.s. Chelsea, next time you are in plain city we should hang out and I'll tell you about this awkward situation. It involves one of your favorite people...

Sigh

Sometimes I feel that trying to have a conversation with my dad is just asking for my ideas to be shot down. It feels like it happens every time. No matter what the conversation is, I never have a good idea. He will always tell me what the better idea is. From life decisions to little petty things. It wears me out to be wrong all the time.

Great weekend, shit week.

Don't you hate when you've had a wonderful weekend and then have to return to the reality of a work week? Brutal transition. This past Monday and Tuesday have been really lame. Anxiety-lame, unmotivated-lame, I-want-to-give-up-lame. Blah.

Happy Easter

Hope everyone is having a lovely sunday.

Wisdom

Indiana

Bloomington, Indiana, here we come!

What I See:

 Is this what it looks like for you guys?

New Design

Thoughts?

I can't decide if I like it or not. Maybe I just need to get used to it.

Thank You

I want to thank the following people (and Kitty):

Thank you to Kitty for being the most tolerant, loyal, protective kitty ever and for most likely making me love  cats like I do. I always thought of Kitty as my guardian angel (which is super cheesy, but I don't care). He is a HUGE part of my childhood. He had the cutest short black nose and funny white markings and freckles in his eyes, and he would sleep at the foot of my bed almost every night. I do not remember life without kitty until four years ago. My sweet Kitty lived to be 18, and was the best cat in the world to me.

Thank you to my sister, Erin, who is someone I can always rely on to listen to me when I call her just to rant about stupid work or stupid drivers or stupid life. And to always be patient and offer advice and a clear, but understanding and generous perspective. Also for completely understanding my mooch-rage moments and offering the perfect therapy for such moments: 7-11 donut and coffee and an open mind. Thanks for understanding my reluctance to grow up and encouraging me to grow up in different ways. Allowing me to hold on to my child-like behaviors, but also encouraging me to emotionally grow to be more patient with people, like you are with me.

Thank you to my cousin, Taylor, who completely understands my faults and embraces them. Who doesn't agree with me on political/religious/life views but still wants to have a civil and usually funny conversation anyway and still respects my decisions and points of view regardless. Thank you, Taylor, for being encouraging about my need for creative control and of course for her exquisite and informed fashion expertise. Also, for being spontaneous and going on food-hunting treks, which usually end with mixed results. (cranberries in popcorn don't really work, but they aren't bad if you pour tongue-burning kosher salt all over it)

Thank you to my friend, Kiki, who like Kitty, has been in my life since before I remember. Thanks for not only being my friend when we were little and all we cared about was what the next adventure or game was, but also now when life has become more complicated, more hectic and more demanding. I can't tell you how much it means to know that I have a friend who completely understands how I operate under stress and who understands that just watching a movie and working on a puzzle is my idea of a good night. (And if you're reading this, thanks for your understanding texts a couple of nights ago, Chelsea, they meant a lot.) Also, thank you for introducing me to Doctor Who (WAY before the DW craze) and Flight of the Conchords and going to movies with me and putting up with my anxious, and most likely obnoxious, rush to not miss the previews.



There are two very obvious people missing from this list: My mom and my Justin. But it is quite late (I'm not doing so great with that whole get-to-bed-on-time goal) and I want to do them justice. And while it might seem like a short little paragraph, these do take emotional energy, and after today, I'm a bit drained.

FYI

Update and new look over at my HAAAY blog.

Disappointment

Went from super happy to super cranky. All of my ideas are flawless genius gold and no one should ever question them! >:(

 ^That was a facebook status I was about to post until I thought people might ask what idea I had and I would feel I needed to answer, but the idea is a gift idea for my mom, who is on my list of fb friends, so it would spoil the surprise.

The idea happens to be a mother's day idea, but that needs approval from my dad, which (of course) he didn't give. Because if it isn't his idea, then it isn't a good idea. At least that is how it feels. I feel like my ideas ALWAYS get rejected and always have gotten rejected. Or they are too much work or too much money or take too much time, or why don't we just get her a new sweater or something?

GRR!! This is why I should ask for forgiveness, not permission.

Adam and Dog

Indian Food

Indian food is the best! I LOVE it!

+1 Goal

Go to bed before 12:00, preferably 11. Wake up by 9. Also, don't be on the computer right before bed. Do a logic puzzle or read instead. Even if it is just one puzzle or just one chapter.

January Goals Update

I want to have a check-in on my goals every month. This is my 2013 goals update for January.

Maintenance Goals:

1. Exercise. I want to exercise at least 3 times a week. So far I have met that goal since I started. In fact, last week I exercised five times! The exercise that I have not yet started is running and strength training. So far I have only done cycling and yoga. I ran for about 10 (nonconsecutive) minutes, but man. I forget how intense running is. I am hoping that once the snow melts and the inversion clears out I can start running outside. I also need to charge my iPod so that my mind can get absorbed into the music instead of my burning lungs and wobbly legs.

2. Eat better. I have been using the myfitnesspal.com website, and have consistently been under calories. Well, except for the past two days. I'm working on that, though. I also have not eaten out for lunch for a long while. Instead I keep bread and peanut butter and apple sauce in my work drawer.

3. Spend wisely. I am wanting to do better on this. I think so far I have been fine, but the main problem is that I need to get to work on time. Then I can transfer more money over to savings when I get it. So far I only transferred $50 over, when I really should be transferring $100. Part of the problem is that there isn't a distinction within my savings account that says 'emergency' or 'vacation' or 'around-the-house-things-I-want'.

4. Cook more. I haven't really done a ton of this. Not really. I've prepared meals, but putting a tortilla on a skillet and sprinkling shredded cheese over it doesn't really count in my opinion. The last meal I made was the shrimp/coconut/cilantro noodle dish. Maybe I'll make something tonight.

5. Read more. So. I haven't read a book this month. Maybe I'll start reading The Great Gatsby, since that movie is coming out and it's a classic.

6. Study Spanish. I have sort of been MIA with duolingo, which is dumb because it is at your own pace and not that hard. I'll get back on that.


Event Goals:

1. Run 5ks/10ks/half marathon. The problem with this goal is that races are bizarrely expensive. 25 bucks to run 3.2 miles? 30 to run double that? Not sure I can justify spending 55 bucks for 2 races. Maybe I'll create my OWN races.
2. Make my children's books. Nope. Haven't even started.
3. Have a wedding at a reasonable price. Well, so far everything that I've purchased is pretty cheap! Family is helping out and hopefully we can keep it reasonable.

Winter

Go away! I got stuck in the driveway this morning and it took me a good 45 minutes to get out. >:(

Soneto XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

Sigh

Sad. Cranky. Rejected. Vulnerable. Angry. Insecure. Confused.

Good Weekend

This has been quite the weekend! On Saturday I went to a job interview for a little shop called The Queen Bee. Fingers crossed that I get it! I think I would be really happy working there.

 Also, on Sunday we had a little engagement party with our parents and siblings that was fun because we have never hosted a party and we held it at the apartment. I strung up Christmas lights from the ceiling and we had delicious homemade lasagna, salad, french bread and for dessert we had brownies and Success Cake!

For the first time in a long time I am feeling excited and happy about wedding plans instead of anxious, stressed, overwhelmed and cranky! (elopement, please?)

 Although deciding to have an elopement (although not in the true sense. I think we would send out announcements and it wouldn't be secret or anything) would be so nice. But I feel happy about what we are planning also.

2013 Goals

I have been updating goals that I posted in 2012. But I feel that it would be better to post a more realistic (meaning less ambitious, haha) and more specific goals. Here we go!

Maintenance Goals:

1. Exercise. I want to exercise at least 3 times a week. Either running, strength training, cycling or yoga.  It does not matter what form of exercise, but just some form of exercise for at least 30 minutes. There are free group exercise classes on campus.The classes will give me some wiggle room, since different classes are held everyday. So if I miss one, I can always go to the next.

2. Eat better. This means I want to: a) not eat fast food, b) pack my lunch, c) eat out less, d) drink more water

3. Spend wisely. Every paycheck I want to set aside money for a) emergency fund, b) vacation, c) around-the-house things that I want.

4. Cook more. This will help me achieve goals #2 and #3. Eating better and spending more wisely is easier if I am making my own food.

5. Read more. Read at least one new book every month.

6. Study Spanish. I am using a website called duolingo.com which is similar to how my online Spanish homework was. I have also heard about a meetup group for speaking Spanish, which allows all levels.

Event Goals:

1. Run 5ks/10ks and a 1/2 marathon

2. Make my children's books

3. Have a wedding for a reasonable price!

Rambles

I am about to ramble, but in list form. Organized rambles! Is that possible?

1. I have a new laptop! I named it Magnus. I really am happy about it.
2. Today I took in my ring because there were a couple of things I wanted changed. (Texture was not quite right and I wanted the hollow areas of the band to be a little more open.) I already feel weird without having it on.
3. I haven't done any of my exercise goals. However! I did buy bread, peanut butter and apple sauce so that when I get super hungry at work I don't resort to going to Burger King. So far I have eaten very well.
4. I didn't think I would like the 11th Doctor, but I have been pleasantly surprised. I still like the 10th Doctor. The last episode I watched was fantastic. (Probably helps that Moffat wrote it.)
5. I got a call to go in for a job interview! I feel cautiously optimistic. I'll update about my job status when I know.

Feeling happy. :)

Happy New Year!

It's gonna be a good one. :)