Okay, so that is sort of a melodramatic title for this post, I'll admit. In this case, the harshness of reality is that my closet is too small for my materialistic desires. I'll admit the other harsh realities are less melodramatic, although I can't promise they aren't less materialistic.
I really just wish that my life would get moving. I feel like I am at a stand still, waiting for life to happen. But that is how I have felt for a long time. And maybe it is just because I still don't identify myself as an adult, but once I realize that there are plenty of MUCH MORE responsible and adult-like 20 year olds, it makes me think that I need to stop dragging my feet about life. And this isn't really about feeling like an adult. It is more about feeling like I am stuck in one place, and one time I am going to wake up and realize it is my fault. Which it is/would be. And I am trying to change this. But at the same time I also feel like there are certain things that are not within my control. (more or less, a boyfriend, a social circle. okay, so these things are SORT of in my control. but it isn't like I can snap my fingers and all of a sudden the cute guy in my class notices me, or like I can snap my fingers and have friends that aren't just friends because we have a class project together. it is easy for some people, but not me.)
It is not that I don't know these things aren't obtainable (whoa, triple negative), but that I just wish they would stop taking their sweet time. And I know that it takes a lot of effort and focus on my part in order to get my life to the point that I want it to, but it also feels like that would take a lot of risk and money and it won't even end up being exactly what I imagined in the first place. Okay so I lied about the other realities not being melodramatic. Uh, sorry.
Anyway, I also just want all my dreams to come true, and I know that only very, very, very lucky people get that. Or maybe just people who aren't idealist-bordering on perfectionists, and are okay with how things are. But I want my farm house. And I want my cheap cinema. And my cafe. And I want to be in shape and have really awesome clothes and the confidence to pull them off and to not be mistaken for a 16 year old. And I want money and a huge book and music collection, and to actually be motivated to do art regularly and to have direction in life. Mostly I just really want a bigger closet.
haha, as I sat here reading this I know how you feel. There are times when I just want things to happen but I know I'm the only person that can make it happen. Sometimes I think to myself maybe if I think the worst how things turn out won't be as bad as what I thought and I would actually be happy with the ending results... wrong. I've slowly learned that I'm the one in control over what I want and I can do whatever it takes to acheive that. Sometimes like you said it isn't in our control, but sometimes doesn't it end up being a good thing anyhow? I don't know.
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