Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Crunch time.
I need more sleep and more hugs and less stress and less obligations.
edit: and more money!!!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Changes
Lately I have been thinking about my future and am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I am realizing that there are going to be changes that aren't bad, but just difficult.
I often feel very torn between my significant other and my family, (mostly my mom). And although my mom is super good at letting me know that Justin is my priority and that she is grown-up and can be home alone and it doesn't matter, etc, but it DOES matter to me, and it worries me. I know that I wouldn't want to be home alone all the time. Especially when these days are getting shorter and shorter.
I think what makes it worse is a strange sort of guilt for leaving my mom when my dad is gone so much. I wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted if I knew that she had someone to keep her company. But just that no one deserves to be home alone in a dark house night after night. No one deserves to be miserable as the result of their spouse's career. I know what it's like to be left home alone. It's okay at first, but after awhile, and especially when it gets dark, you can start to mentally/emotionally spiral downwards. I'm not saying this happens with my mom, but I know for certain it happens with me.
I know that Justin is my priority, that isn't the issue at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The difficulty is the transition from spending a lot of time with my Mom and now realizing that that isn't going to be true in the future. And I know that it isn't like I will never see my mom again, but it won't be like it is now, and now is even a lot less than usual. I know it's natural. I know it is inevitable. It is just different.
I think that for me, especially, I rely on mom a lot. For advice on anything, for someone to listen to me and to talk to me, for someone to hang out with and to go shopping with, for someone that completely understands me and loves me unconditionally. I know that Justin does all those things, but my mom is my mom! You know? Just like my soul mate is my soul mate. People in my life can't replace each other, and that is how it should be. But my point is that it is hard to have things change. But I also know that I can't be torn forever.
There are good changes, like that me and Justin will make our own traditions. But that means that we will somewhat give up our old family traditions. Not entirely, but things won't be the same. And I feel a loss of my childhood and the connection of my family that is as a daughter and a sister. Now I am forming a new connection, that will be of a wife and (eventually) a mother. It is exciting and natural, but also comes with a different perspective. I know I'm still a daughter and sister but it isn't my primary role. And that isn't a bad thing. Just different.
And it isn't like I thought this would never happen. I know that this is what that whole growing up and falling in love and getting married and moving away thing does. And that's okay. It just makes me have very mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and love and purpose for my life with my to-be husband, and at the same time a strange sort of loss.
I often feel very torn between my significant other and my family, (mostly my mom). And although my mom is super good at letting me know that Justin is my priority and that she is grown-up and can be home alone and it doesn't matter, etc, but it DOES matter to me, and it worries me. I know that I wouldn't want to be home alone all the time. Especially when these days are getting shorter and shorter.
I think what makes it worse is a strange sort of guilt for leaving my mom when my dad is gone so much. I wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted if I knew that she had someone to keep her company. But just that no one deserves to be home alone in a dark house night after night. No one deserves to be miserable as the result of their spouse's career. I know what it's like to be left home alone. It's okay at first, but after awhile, and especially when it gets dark, you can start to mentally/emotionally spiral downwards. I'm not saying this happens with my mom, but I know for certain it happens with me.
I know that Justin is my priority, that isn't the issue at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The difficulty is the transition from spending a lot of time with my Mom and now realizing that that isn't going to be true in the future. And I know that it isn't like I will never see my mom again, but it won't be like it is now, and now is even a lot less than usual. I know it's natural. I know it is inevitable. It is just different.
I think that for me, especially, I rely on mom a lot. For advice on anything, for someone to listen to me and to talk to me, for someone to hang out with and to go shopping with, for someone that completely understands me and loves me unconditionally. I know that Justin does all those things, but my mom is my mom! You know? Just like my soul mate is my soul mate. People in my life can't replace each other, and that is how it should be. But my point is that it is hard to have things change. But I also know that I can't be torn forever.
There are good changes, like that me and Justin will make our own traditions. But that means that we will somewhat give up our old family traditions. Not entirely, but things won't be the same. And I feel a loss of my childhood and the connection of my family that is as a daughter and a sister. Now I am forming a new connection, that will be of a wife and (eventually) a mother. It is exciting and natural, but also comes with a different perspective. I know I'm still a daughter and sister but it isn't my primary role. And that isn't a bad thing. Just different.
And it isn't like I thought this would never happen. I know that this is what that whole growing up and falling in love and getting married and moving away thing does. And that's okay. It just makes me have very mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and love and purpose for my life with my to-be husband, and at the same time a strange sort of loss.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Happy
First I did my focus group, had an epiphany that what I'm doing is exactly the kind of work I want to be doing, then I went to my honey's place and he surprised me with flowers, homemade pad thai and brownies, and theeeeen Obama won! Then today I slept in, and now class and work went by super fast! Ahhh, what a lovely couple of days I've had!
Edit: And now today, Justin pre-ordered midnight tickets to see The Hobbit! Also, I'm about to eat left over Extreme Veggie pizza from the pie and a Ghirardelli double chocolate brownie! MMMM! :)
Edit: And now today, Justin pre-ordered midnight tickets to see The Hobbit! Also, I'm about to eat left over Extreme Veggie pizza from the pie and a Ghirardelli double chocolate brownie! MMMM! :)
Monday, November 5, 2012
School Deadlines
I am stuck. I feel unmotivated. I feel inadequate. I feel like I can't do this. I just want to graduate and never, ever, ever have another deadline again in my entire life. I hate this.
I just want to go to travel and never have to worry about time or money ever again. Not how life works. :(
I just want to go to travel and never have to worry about time or money ever again. Not how life works. :(
Friday, November 2, 2012
Facebook & Politics
I recently posted a grumpy post about how much I hate politics and facebook. What I hate MORE about politics and facebook, is when completely uninformed sheeple decide to speak up, which when it comes to uninformed and sheeple, that happens like 100% of the time.
-cough-
So, since I decided to not stir up the pot of raging republicans on my friend Chelsea's post, I'll just post my response here. First, a little review: (sorry for the different sizes. I uploaded the whole thing but it viewed too small, so I cut it up enough to view everything. You can click on them to view them full-size)
I decided to black out their names, since if someone I didn't know screencapped a fb conversation I had and posted it on their blog, I'd want my name blacked out too.
First off, I think the Tyson person is pretty reasonable and open-minded. While he isn't for universal health-care, he does seem to genuinely want an answer to his questions.
The Aric person is great. His first response was perfect.
I have quite a few responses to Brent, some which I actually typed, then backspaced, then decided to just post on here.
1. It is ironic that someone who is physically incapable of having a child (aka, a male) is saying that birth control is not a right. Furthermore, you'll never get the entire world to practice abstinence. So why not make it a better place by a) reducing the population and conserving resources, through birth control. b)(you might not understand this, because you're a white middle class male, living in a world of the mainly white middle class) give a woman the right to decide when and how many children she wants, without having to have a certain income to afford it. Newsflash, everyone isn't part of the middle class. Sure, you think birth control "isn't' that expensive" BUT YOU AREN'T IMPOVERISHED YOU IDIOT.
2. It is also ironic that someone who (most likely, just guessing) periodically pools a fraction of their resources(money)for a bigger organization and for people other than themselves, doesn't see the connection between mormonism and socialism. What the hell do you think tithing is?
3. Go wikipedia "socialism". Note how it isn't spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M? I am not sure you even know what socialism really is...Or communism, for that matter.
Finally, http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153
I have a butt load more responses, but I look forward to hearing yours (my readers).
-cough-
So, since I decided to not stir up the pot of raging republicans on my friend Chelsea's post, I'll just post my response here. First, a little review: (sorry for the different sizes. I uploaded the whole thing but it viewed too small, so I cut it up enough to view everything. You can click on them to view them full-size)
I decided to black out their names, since if someone I didn't know screencapped a fb conversation I had and posted it on their blog, I'd want my name blacked out too.
First off, I think the Tyson person is pretty reasonable and open-minded. While he isn't for universal health-care, he does seem to genuinely want an answer to his questions.
The Aric person is great. His first response was perfect.
I have quite a few responses to Brent, some which I actually typed, then backspaced, then decided to just post on here.
1. It is ironic that someone who is physically incapable of having a child (aka, a male) is saying that birth control is not a right. Furthermore, you'll never get the entire world to practice abstinence. So why not make it a better place by a) reducing the population and conserving resources, through birth control. b)(you might not understand this, because you're a white middle class male, living in a world of the mainly white middle class) give a woman the right to decide when and how many children she wants, without having to have a certain income to afford it. Newsflash, everyone isn't part of the middle class. Sure, you think birth control "isn't' that expensive" BUT YOU AREN'T IMPOVERISHED YOU IDIOT.
2. It is also ironic that someone who (most likely, just guessing) periodically pools a fraction of their resources(money)for a bigger organization and for people other than themselves, doesn't see the connection between mormonism and socialism. What the hell do you think tithing is?
3. Go wikipedia "socialism". Note how it isn't spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M? I am not sure you even know what socialism really is...Or communism, for that matter.
Finally, http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153
I have a butt load more responses, but I look forward to hearing yours (my readers).
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