Changes

Lately I have been thinking about my future and am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I am realizing that there are going to be changes that aren't bad, but just difficult.

I often feel very torn between my significant other and my family, (mostly my mom). And although my mom is super good at letting me know that Justin is my priority and that she is grown-up and can be home alone and it doesn't matter, etc, but it DOES matter to me, and it worries me. I know that I wouldn't want to be home alone all the time. Especially when these days are getting shorter and shorter.

I think what makes it worse is a strange sort of guilt for leaving my mom when my dad is gone so much. I wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted if I knew that she had someone to keep her company. But just that no one deserves to be home alone in a dark house night after night. No one deserves to be miserable as the result of their spouse's career. I know what it's like to be left home alone. It's okay at first, but after awhile, and especially when it gets dark, you can start to mentally/emotionally spiral downwards. I'm not saying this happens with my mom, but I know for certain it happens with me.

I know that Justin is my priority, that isn't the issue at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The difficulty is the transition from spending a lot of time with my Mom and now realizing that that isn't going to be true in the future. And I know that it isn't like I will never see my mom again, but it won't be like it is now, and now is even a lot less than usual. I know it's natural. I know it is inevitable. It is just different.

I think that for me, especially, I rely on mom a lot. For advice on anything, for someone to listen to me and to talk to me, for someone to hang out with and to go shopping with, for someone that completely understands me and loves me unconditionally. I know that Justin does all those things, but my mom is my mom! You know? Just like my soul mate is my soul mate. People in my life can't replace each other, and that is how it should be. But my point is that it is hard to have things change. But I also know that I can't be torn forever.

There are good changes, like that me and Justin will make our own traditions. But that means that we will somewhat give up our old family traditions. Not entirely, but things won't be the same. And I feel a loss of my childhood and the connection of my family that is as a daughter and a sister. Now I am forming a new connection, that will be of a wife and (eventually) a mother. It is exciting and natural, but also comes with a different perspective. I know I'm still a daughter and sister but it isn't my primary role. And that isn't a bad thing. Just different.

And it isn't like I thought this would never happen. I know that this is what that whole growing up and falling in love and getting married and moving away thing does. And that's okay. It just makes me have very mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and love and purpose for my life with my to-be husband, and at the same time a strange sort of  loss.