Friday, November 16, 2012
Crunch time.
I need more sleep and more hugs and less stress and less obligations.
edit: and more money!!!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Changes
Lately I have been thinking about my future and am feeling a lot of mixed feelings. I am realizing that there are going to be changes that aren't bad, but just difficult.
I often feel very torn between my significant other and my family, (mostly my mom). And although my mom is super good at letting me know that Justin is my priority and that she is grown-up and can be home alone and it doesn't matter, etc, but it DOES matter to me, and it worries me. I know that I wouldn't want to be home alone all the time. Especially when these days are getting shorter and shorter.
I think what makes it worse is a strange sort of guilt for leaving my mom when my dad is gone so much. I wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted if I knew that she had someone to keep her company. But just that no one deserves to be home alone in a dark house night after night. No one deserves to be miserable as the result of their spouse's career. I know what it's like to be left home alone. It's okay at first, but after awhile, and especially when it gets dark, you can start to mentally/emotionally spiral downwards. I'm not saying this happens with my mom, but I know for certain it happens with me.
I know that Justin is my priority, that isn't the issue at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The difficulty is the transition from spending a lot of time with my Mom and now realizing that that isn't going to be true in the future. And I know that it isn't like I will never see my mom again, but it won't be like it is now, and now is even a lot less than usual. I know it's natural. I know it is inevitable. It is just different.
I think that for me, especially, I rely on mom a lot. For advice on anything, for someone to listen to me and to talk to me, for someone to hang out with and to go shopping with, for someone that completely understands me and loves me unconditionally. I know that Justin does all those things, but my mom is my mom! You know? Just like my soul mate is my soul mate. People in my life can't replace each other, and that is how it should be. But my point is that it is hard to have things change. But I also know that I can't be torn forever.
There are good changes, like that me and Justin will make our own traditions. But that means that we will somewhat give up our old family traditions. Not entirely, but things won't be the same. And I feel a loss of my childhood and the connection of my family that is as a daughter and a sister. Now I am forming a new connection, that will be of a wife and (eventually) a mother. It is exciting and natural, but also comes with a different perspective. I know I'm still a daughter and sister but it isn't my primary role. And that isn't a bad thing. Just different.
And it isn't like I thought this would never happen. I know that this is what that whole growing up and falling in love and getting married and moving away thing does. And that's okay. It just makes me have very mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and love and purpose for my life with my to-be husband, and at the same time a strange sort of loss.
I often feel very torn between my significant other and my family, (mostly my mom). And although my mom is super good at letting me know that Justin is my priority and that she is grown-up and can be home alone and it doesn't matter, etc, but it DOES matter to me, and it worries me. I know that I wouldn't want to be home alone all the time. Especially when these days are getting shorter and shorter.
I think what makes it worse is a strange sort of guilt for leaving my mom when my dad is gone so much. I wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted if I knew that she had someone to keep her company. But just that no one deserves to be home alone in a dark house night after night. No one deserves to be miserable as the result of their spouse's career. I know what it's like to be left home alone. It's okay at first, but after awhile, and especially when it gets dark, you can start to mentally/emotionally spiral downwards. I'm not saying this happens with my mom, but I know for certain it happens with me.
I know that Justin is my priority, that isn't the issue at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The difficulty is the transition from spending a lot of time with my Mom and now realizing that that isn't going to be true in the future. And I know that it isn't like I will never see my mom again, but it won't be like it is now, and now is even a lot less than usual. I know it's natural. I know it is inevitable. It is just different.
I think that for me, especially, I rely on mom a lot. For advice on anything, for someone to listen to me and to talk to me, for someone to hang out with and to go shopping with, for someone that completely understands me and loves me unconditionally. I know that Justin does all those things, but my mom is my mom! You know? Just like my soul mate is my soul mate. People in my life can't replace each other, and that is how it should be. But my point is that it is hard to have things change. But I also know that I can't be torn forever.
There are good changes, like that me and Justin will make our own traditions. But that means that we will somewhat give up our old family traditions. Not entirely, but things won't be the same. And I feel a loss of my childhood and the connection of my family that is as a daughter and a sister. Now I am forming a new connection, that will be of a wife and (eventually) a mother. It is exciting and natural, but also comes with a different perspective. I know I'm still a daughter and sister but it isn't my primary role. And that isn't a bad thing. Just different.
And it isn't like I thought this would never happen. I know that this is what that whole growing up and falling in love and getting married and moving away thing does. And that's okay. It just makes me have very mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and love and purpose for my life with my to-be husband, and at the same time a strange sort of loss.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Happy
First I did my focus group, had an epiphany that what I'm doing is exactly the kind of work I want to be doing, then I went to my honey's place and he surprised me with flowers, homemade pad thai and brownies, and theeeeen Obama won! Then today I slept in, and now class and work went by super fast! Ahhh, what a lovely couple of days I've had!
Edit: And now today, Justin pre-ordered midnight tickets to see The Hobbit! Also, I'm about to eat left over Extreme Veggie pizza from the pie and a Ghirardelli double chocolate brownie! MMMM! :)
Edit: And now today, Justin pre-ordered midnight tickets to see The Hobbit! Also, I'm about to eat left over Extreme Veggie pizza from the pie and a Ghirardelli double chocolate brownie! MMMM! :)
Monday, November 5, 2012
School Deadlines
I am stuck. I feel unmotivated. I feel inadequate. I feel like I can't do this. I just want to graduate and never, ever, ever have another deadline again in my entire life. I hate this.
I just want to go to travel and never have to worry about time or money ever again. Not how life works. :(
I just want to go to travel and never have to worry about time or money ever again. Not how life works. :(
Friday, November 2, 2012
Facebook & Politics
I recently posted a grumpy post about how much I hate politics and facebook. What I hate MORE about politics and facebook, is when completely uninformed sheeple decide to speak up, which when it comes to uninformed and sheeple, that happens like 100% of the time.
-cough-
So, since I decided to not stir up the pot of raging republicans on my friend Chelsea's post, I'll just post my response here. First, a little review: (sorry for the different sizes. I uploaded the whole thing but it viewed too small, so I cut it up enough to view everything. You can click on them to view them full-size)
I decided to black out their names, since if someone I didn't know screencapped a fb conversation I had and posted it on their blog, I'd want my name blacked out too.
First off, I think the Tyson person is pretty reasonable and open-minded. While he isn't for universal health-care, he does seem to genuinely want an answer to his questions.
The Aric person is great. His first response was perfect.
I have quite a few responses to Brent, some which I actually typed, then backspaced, then decided to just post on here.
1. It is ironic that someone who is physically incapable of having a child (aka, a male) is saying that birth control is not a right. Furthermore, you'll never get the entire world to practice abstinence. So why not make it a better place by a) reducing the population and conserving resources, through birth control. b)(you might not understand this, because you're a white middle class male, living in a world of the mainly white middle class) give a woman the right to decide when and how many children she wants, without having to have a certain income to afford it. Newsflash, everyone isn't part of the middle class. Sure, you think birth control "isn't' that expensive" BUT YOU AREN'T IMPOVERISHED YOU IDIOT.
2. It is also ironic that someone who (most likely, just guessing) periodically pools a fraction of their resources(money)for a bigger organization and for people other than themselves, doesn't see the connection between mormonism and socialism. What the hell do you think tithing is?
3. Go wikipedia "socialism". Note how it isn't spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M? I am not sure you even know what socialism really is...Or communism, for that matter.
Finally, http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153
I have a butt load more responses, but I look forward to hearing yours (my readers).
-cough-
So, since I decided to not stir up the pot of raging republicans on my friend Chelsea's post, I'll just post my response here. First, a little review: (sorry for the different sizes. I uploaded the whole thing but it viewed too small, so I cut it up enough to view everything. You can click on them to view them full-size)
I decided to black out their names, since if someone I didn't know screencapped a fb conversation I had and posted it on their blog, I'd want my name blacked out too.
First off, I think the Tyson person is pretty reasonable and open-minded. While he isn't for universal health-care, he does seem to genuinely want an answer to his questions.
The Aric person is great. His first response was perfect.
I have quite a few responses to Brent, some which I actually typed, then backspaced, then decided to just post on here.
1. It is ironic that someone who is physically incapable of having a child (aka, a male) is saying that birth control is not a right. Furthermore, you'll never get the entire world to practice abstinence. So why not make it a better place by a) reducing the population and conserving resources, through birth control. b)(you might not understand this, because you're a white middle class male, living in a world of the mainly white middle class) give a woman the right to decide when and how many children she wants, without having to have a certain income to afford it. Newsflash, everyone isn't part of the middle class. Sure, you think birth control "isn't' that expensive" BUT YOU AREN'T IMPOVERISHED YOU IDIOT.
2. It is also ironic that someone who (most likely, just guessing) periodically pools a fraction of their resources(money)for a bigger organization and for people other than themselves, doesn't see the connection between mormonism and socialism. What the hell do you think tithing is?
3. Go wikipedia "socialism". Note how it isn't spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M? I am not sure you even know what socialism really is...Or communism, for that matter.
Finally, http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-a-map-of-the-countries-that-provide-universal-health-care-americas-still-not-on-it/259153
I have a butt load more responses, but I look forward to hearing yours (my readers).
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Lists!
I love making lists. I make them all the time. In fact, I waste more paper than I like to admit making lists (but I recycle!). Today I want to make several lists.
Things I Miss:
1. Going to my Grandma & Grandpa Moulding's house. I miss the smell and coziness of their house and I really wish that I knew my grandparents as an adult instead of as a bratty teenager.
2. Kitty, Moochy, Romeo. My fuzzy friends.
3. A different kind of miss-I miss my cousin Taylor and my uncle Mike. They just live out of state so I don't see them much anymore.
4. Disney World. I want butternut squash soup on a rainy day! I want amazing fireworks! I want to hug Meeko!
5. Oslo. Galicia. Paris. Merida. Kirriemuir.
Things I Love About Winter:
1. Hot apple cider. Hot cocoa. Hot chai lattes. Hot soup. Warm pie. Comfort food, basically.
2. Blankies! I LOVE blankies. In fact if I were to be accused of hording anything, it would be blankies. Can't get enough.
3. Apparel. Scarves, jackets, coats, cardigans, layering, boots, gloves, hats. My wardrobe is much more suited for colder weather.
4. Smells. I love the smell of pine cones, cinnamon, nutmeg, eggnog, ginger, all of the wintery-christmasy smells I really like.
5. Presents. Obviously the biggest thing during winter is Christmas. And I really love thinking up presents to give people. I think for one thing, gift-giving is a way I show love and affection. I want to try to make home-made gifts this year. (haha, although don't hold me to that! I'll probably end up buying things. Afterall, up until Dec.14, I'll be stressing out about my senior project) But I always try to put a lot of thought into gifts.
(Bonus: (I didn't make the bonus a #6 in my list, because I hate not having factors of 5) I also love doing puzzles in the winter! Winter is prime puzzle season. Nothing better than watching your favorite classic holiday movie and working on a puzzle while all bundled up in fuzzy pajamas!)
Things I Want to Do This Weekend:
1. Prepare the Cat Apartment for winter. The same for Annie's kennel.
2. Get ready for the Halloween party at my cousin's house. What to wear? What to be? Hmm! I might go for my crazy cat lady costume again...It isn't much of a stretch, really. I just have to wear more-than-usual frumpy clothes. :D
3. Get ahead on my homework.
4. Clean & Organize my room. Including donating a bunch of stuff to the Woman's home.
5. CHRISTMAS SHOP! Although I might have to wait on this for financial reasons. :( If so, I'll at least try to think up of good presents for everyone!
Things I Look Forward to After Graduation:
1. Obvious things like no homework, no due dates, no academic stress, etc.
2. Exercising! I really want to focus on getting into shape and I think it will be a LOT easier after graduation. I notice that I always exercise a lot more in the spring/summer anyway. And now I'll have no school during spring to worry about!
3. Not eating crappy lunches on campus while sitting at my work desk...actually this might still happen. But at least it isn't because I only have 10 minutes between class and work!
4. With not having school, hopefully I can find another part-time job, or maybe quit my current job and find a full-time job. Having more money sure would be welcome.
5. I don't think it is a secret to all that read my blog (Erin, Kiki, sometimes Mom and Justin?)that I plan to marry. This will probably happen in the spring/summer of next year. :)
One more list!
Recent Entertainment Choices: (dorky title, I know)
1. My obsessive relapse into the world of Harry Potter. Rereading the books. Really enjoyed the first four, of course. But I only read the 5th, 6th and 7th one time, and so it is fun not remembering details and rediscovering the story.
2. Part of that obsessive relapse is having an account on Pottermore.com! It is AWESOME.
3. Watching Doctor Who from the very first episode. We are now on the 10th doctor (my personal favorite). I always thought Martha was my favorite, probably because I started watching when she was the companion, but I really miss Rose now. :(
4. I have slowly been watching Once Upon a Time, as sort of a guilty pleasure. It has taken the place of Merlin (which I finished all that was available on Netflix), Robin Hood, (which ended.), Being Human, (which I haven't actually looked into much since the last season ended...maybe I should.) And Pushing Daisies (which I realize is the only non-BBC show in that list). You always need a guilty pleasure for a show that has iffy graphics and sometimes poor acting. (actually Being Human and Pushing Daisies is fine. I think Robin Hood and Merlin are aimed at a younger audience so meh)
5. Spotify. Okay. I gave in and I got Spotify. And I'm actually really pleased. The only thing that bugs me is that when I close spotify by pushing the red X in the corner of the screen it doesn't fully close it. I can only fully close it if I do the old File>Close. And I guess the ads are annoying too, but they don't seem to come up as often as Pandora. I like that I have access to all music from a band. So it is much more like an iTunes interface than Pandora. I don't like that I forget that I don't actually own that music. Haha! But I did notice there were quite a few unreleased and B-side tracks on there. That made me happy.
-cough- so. seeing as I wrote all of this at work, I better click 'Publish' and be on my way!
Things I Miss:
1. Going to my Grandma & Grandpa Moulding's house. I miss the smell and coziness of their house and I really wish that I knew my grandparents as an adult instead of as a bratty teenager.
2. Kitty, Moochy, Romeo. My fuzzy friends.
3. A different kind of miss-I miss my cousin Taylor and my uncle Mike. They just live out of state so I don't see them much anymore.
4. Disney World. I want butternut squash soup on a rainy day! I want amazing fireworks! I want to hug Meeko!
5. Oslo. Galicia. Paris. Merida. Kirriemuir.
Things I Love About Winter:
1. Hot apple cider. Hot cocoa. Hot chai lattes. Hot soup. Warm pie. Comfort food, basically.
2. Blankies! I LOVE blankies. In fact if I were to be accused of hording anything, it would be blankies. Can't get enough.
3. Apparel. Scarves, jackets, coats, cardigans, layering, boots, gloves, hats. My wardrobe is much more suited for colder weather.
4. Smells. I love the smell of pine cones, cinnamon, nutmeg, eggnog, ginger, all of the wintery-christmasy smells I really like.
5. Presents. Obviously the biggest thing during winter is Christmas. And I really love thinking up presents to give people. I think for one thing, gift-giving is a way I show love and affection. I want to try to make home-made gifts this year. (haha, although don't hold me to that! I'll probably end up buying things. Afterall, up until Dec.14, I'll be stressing out about my senior project) But I always try to put a lot of thought into gifts.
(Bonus: (I didn't make the bonus a #6 in my list, because I hate not having factors of 5) I also love doing puzzles in the winter! Winter is prime puzzle season. Nothing better than watching your favorite classic holiday movie and working on a puzzle while all bundled up in fuzzy pajamas!)
Things I Want to Do This Weekend:
1. Prepare the Cat Apartment for winter. The same for Annie's kennel.
2. Get ready for the Halloween party at my cousin's house. What to wear? What to be? Hmm! I might go for my crazy cat lady costume again...It isn't much of a stretch, really. I just have to wear more-than-usual frumpy clothes. :D
3. Get ahead on my homework.
4. Clean & Organize my room. Including donating a bunch of stuff to the Woman's home.
5. CHRISTMAS SHOP! Although I might have to wait on this for financial reasons. :( If so, I'll at least try to think up of good presents for everyone!
Things I Look Forward to After Graduation:
1. Obvious things like no homework, no due dates, no academic stress, etc.
2. Exercising! I really want to focus on getting into shape and I think it will be a LOT easier after graduation. I notice that I always exercise a lot more in the spring/summer anyway. And now I'll have no school during spring to worry about!
3. Not eating crappy lunches on campus while sitting at my work desk...actually this might still happen. But at least it isn't because I only have 10 minutes between class and work!
4. With not having school, hopefully I can find another part-time job, or maybe quit my current job and find a full-time job. Having more money sure would be welcome.
5. I don't think it is a secret to all that read my blog (Erin, Kiki, sometimes Mom and Justin?)that I plan to marry. This will probably happen in the spring/summer of next year. :)
One more list!
Recent Entertainment Choices: (dorky title, I know)
1. My obsessive relapse into the world of Harry Potter. Rereading the books. Really enjoyed the first four, of course. But I only read the 5th, 6th and 7th one time, and so it is fun not remembering details and rediscovering the story.
2. Part of that obsessive relapse is having an account on Pottermore.com! It is AWESOME.
3. Watching Doctor Who from the very first episode. We are now on the 10th doctor (my personal favorite). I always thought Martha was my favorite, probably because I started watching when she was the companion, but I really miss Rose now. :(
4. I have slowly been watching Once Upon a Time, as sort of a guilty pleasure. It has taken the place of Merlin (which I finished all that was available on Netflix), Robin Hood, (which ended.), Being Human, (which I haven't actually looked into much since the last season ended...maybe I should.) And Pushing Daisies (which I realize is the only non-BBC show in that list). You always need a guilty pleasure for a show that has iffy graphics and sometimes poor acting. (actually Being Human and Pushing Daisies is fine. I think Robin Hood and Merlin are aimed at a younger audience so meh)
5. Spotify. Okay. I gave in and I got Spotify. And I'm actually really pleased. The only thing that bugs me is that when I close spotify by pushing the red X in the corner of the screen it doesn't fully close it. I can only fully close it if I do the old File>Close. And I guess the ads are annoying too, but they don't seem to come up as often as Pandora. I like that I have access to all music from a band. So it is much more like an iTunes interface than Pandora. I don't like that I forget that I don't actually own that music. Haha! But I did notice there were quite a few unreleased and B-side tracks on there. That made me happy.
-cough- so. seeing as I wrote all of this at work, I better click 'Publish' and be on my way!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Dumb Day
Cold and sad and cranky and tired and stressed and hungry. Feeling really melancholy today. I just want all social and scholarly obligations to go away. I also want a hot bath, fuzzy socks, stretchy pants, a bowl of hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich, lots of blankies, the seventh Harry Potter, and everyone to be happy and content and super happy with everything I say and do and feel. I want everyone to stop draining my emotional energy and so I can stop feeling like I can't get things right.
Who I need is Kitty. :'( Cats always are the best for melancholy days.
Who I need is Kitty. :'( Cats always are the best for melancholy days.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
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