Friday, January 13, 2012
That's Ballgame
I hate feeling guilty for expressing my own emotions. Why should I feel guilty for acknowledging my feelings? I think I feel guilty because it disrupts the peace. But what is the alternative? To keep it inside, keep the peace, until it boils up and over and the reaction seems disproportionate to the crime? I don't choose these emotions. And I try to keep them reasonable. But fact is fact, and I am sick of apologizing for something that I'm not sorry for. I'm sorry for the fact of the matter, but not for the emotions I feel. The emotions I feel is hurt. Why does my brain automatically add to that hurt by telling me I am ruining things? Or for feeling guilty because I've hurt someone's feelings, by informing them that they have hurt mine. I don't like that I feel like the bad guy or worse, needy and clingy. Why can't I? I get sick of going back and forth between feeling like I am justified, and then feeling like I am being ridiculous. I feel justified until I feel like I am making too much trouble, so I talk myself out of what I really feel. I rationalize until I convince myself that I'm being irrational or too harsh.But if these emotions occur over and over and over, am I still irrational, or does the pattern mean something more than just a phase? What do you do when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase?
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I think you just have to decide that you deserve to express how you're feeling just as much as everyone else. Don't overanalyze it (which I know we're both so prone to do) and just go with the flow. If the people you express your feelings to are actually your friends, they'll stay friends with you and work things out. You can't always be the nice, accommodating one. Every relationship is a two way street. Don't give until your bucket is empty. Be selfish every now and again. I find that when you don't express your emotions when you feel you need to, then the tension just builds up, and then one, small thing sets you off, and your friends are really surprised, because they have no idea where all the emotion is coming from. That's why sometimes we come off too harsh. I've found that if I just express what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it (occasionally after I've sat and thought about how I'm going to say it with the least chance of an argument coming from it) then everything runs much smoother. But it's constantly giving way and backing down that leads you into a spot between a rock and a hard place, and then it's hard to get out. Hope you followed that. And maybe your questions were rhetorical, and you didn't want an answer. Sorry if that was the case.
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